Tag Archives: funny

Vodka! The Other White Meat.

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Who hasn’t drank their lunch or had a liquid dinner? Look… I likes me vodka, but sometimes after whooping it up, we don’t like having to leave the house. You’ve heard of “The Hair of the Dog,” for hangovers.  Well, here are some other uses for vodka. So if you find yourself in the need of some quick fixes.  Here’s what you can use those extra bottles of vodka, you may have laying around.

HOME REMEDIES:

Relieve a Fever

Temperature rising? Soak a washcloth in vodka and rub on your chest and back as a home-made liniment.

Treat an Earache

With a clean eyedropper, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let it sit for a few minutes, then drain. The vodka will kill off the bacteria that are causing pain in your ear.

Numb a Toothache

Got a nagging toothache and no time to see the dentist? Take a shot of vodka, and swish it around in your mouth, over your aching tooth. Your gums will absorb the alcohol which will help numb the pain.

Ease Poison Ivy

Went camping and got a little too up close and personal to the poison ivy? Ease the itch by pouring vodka over the affected area. It’ll remove the itch-inducing urushiol oil from your skin.

Alleviate a Jellyfish Sting

Not interested in having your buddy stop the pain of a jellyfish sting with that other remedy? Have him run to the cooler and grab the vodka instead. It will not only help stop the pain, but will disinfect the sting too.

Cure Foot Odor

Has she been complaining your feet smell like a New York City cabdriver in July? Wash your offending dogs in vodka. It’ll kill off the odor-causing bacteria.

Cleanse Your Face

Those expensive astringents sold to cleanse your skin and tighten pores? Vodka does the same thing. Only much cheaper. Simply soak a cotton ball in vodka and apply to your face.

Get Healthier Hair

Fancy salon treatments? Leave those to the metros. Add an ounce of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. Vodka’s alcohol will not only cleanse your scalp, but it will also remove toxins from your hair, and stimulate the growth of healthy hair. And some of us can use some growth stimulation.

Beat Dandruff

Got flakes, but don’t want to be seen buying the blue stuff? You can treat your dandruff with vodka. Just mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, then let it sit for a couple of days. Strain the mixture through a coffee filter to get rid of the rosemary, then massage into your scalp and let dry.

Destroy Bad Breath

Run out of mouthwash? You can make your own with vodka and cinnamon. Mix nine tablespoons of powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container and let it sit for two weeks. (Yeah, I know, not exactly helpful if you’re out and she’s coming over in an hour, but plan ahead.) Strain the mixture through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth to kill off bad breath-causing germs. (Tip: Do not swallow.)

Heal Cold Sores

Got a breakout? Dip a Q-Tip in some vodka and apply it to your cold sore. The vodka will help dry it out.

Help Blisters

First game in the new cleats leaves your feet in a sea of blisters? If one opens pour vodka over the raw skin. Sounds painful, but it will actually act as a local anesthetic. And it will also disinfect the exposed skin underneath.

Relieve Aches and Pains

Here’s an old home remedy our grandmothers used to relieve aches and pains, instead of popping pills. Take a clean glass jar and fill it with fresh lavender flowers. (Get them at most health food stores or flowers shops.) Then fill the jar with vodka. Seal the lid tightly and place the jar in the sun for three days or so, to let the vodka draw out oils from the lavender. Strain through a coffee filter, and you’ve just made tincture that you can rub into sore spots to stop aches and pains. Grandma would be proud.

Make a Homemade Ice Pack

Forget bags of frozen peas and that prime steak to put on bruises and black eyes. Just pour 1/2 cup of vodka and 1/2 cup of water into a zip-close freezer bag, and freeze. The result is a refreezable ice pack you can use on aches, pains, and various assorted bruises.

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”

 

Meat Healing with Bacon Band-Aids

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Meat healing

In the olden days (at least, from what we learned from cartoons), when someone got a black eye, the best remedy was to put a steak on it. Imagine that: curing (get it?) a wound with meat! We’ve always thought bacon was the balm for any emotional wound, and now it can help physical ones as well! Introducing Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages!

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages are wiggly-cut, adhesive bandages that look like strips of bacon (hence the name). And really, that’s about it. But by looking like bacon, they are suddenly (without hyperbole) 8 bajillion times more awesome than a regular adhesive bandage. You could even put some on, go to your local grocery store’s meat department, and pretend the bacon is attacking you like leeches. Hey, that sounds like fun. We’re going to do that now, while you buy some Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages. Oh, and enjoy the free prize in every tin.

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages

  • They look like strips of bacon, but they are really just adhesive bandages.
  • Sterile, latex-free bandages.
  • 15 bandages per container.
  • Free prize in every tin!

Bandage Dimensions: 3″ x 1″

Generic Drugs Vs Trade Name

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.     
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.     

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..  

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.     

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. 

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.